Sarcasm
by fictitiousburn
Summary: [PostHogwarts] [DracoHermione] Hermione uses sarcasm and scares the wit out of her flatmate, Draco Malfoy. And Draco scares her back. DialogueShot.


Story: Sarcasm

Summary: (PostHogwarts) (DracoHermione) Hermione uses sarcasm and scares the wit out of her flatmate, Draco Malfoy. And Draco scares her back. Dialogue/Shot.

Authoressa: I love using sarcasm, so I decided to have a bit of fun with this story. The only other thing besides dialogue would be sound effects and actions. Only one worded, though.

Sarcasm

"Hey, Draco. When'd you get here?"

"Just now, obviously. Blind, are we Hermione?"

"Shut up."

"Why don't you move? You're taking up a ton of couch space. Honestly, you should be one of those woman on pending diet studies."

Thud.

"Ow!"

"You deserved that."

"_No_, I didn't."

Glare.

"Okay, I deserved to be hit, but not with anything in range!"

"Of course. How could I?"

"Right."

"I mean, bending the pages of this library book just to hear the resounding thump in your head is _quite_ selfish of me, I must say."

"Touché, Hermione."

"..."

"..."

"Goodness, Draco. You're no fun."

"What? It's not like you've been sitting home all day, waiting for me."

"'Course not."

"You have! Aha. I knew you were obsessed with me, Hermione."

"Um...no thanks. I have quite a bit of sanity left and I don't plan on corrupting myself any further."

"Don't deny it. You know you want some of Draco."

"No--I really don't--and Malfoy, if you _sit_ on me--"

"Aha!"

"Ow! Goddamnit, Draco!"

"Don't worry."

"Stop _wriggling_, damn you!"

"Hm."

"Oh, I give up."

"To what, may I inquire?"

"Oh, of course. To the lulling of your powers, Draco. I must admit, I've been watching you for quite some time."

"Oh really?"

"Yes! I must say everyday I've been waiting for this moment to come, so I can finally tell you how I feel...I have waited quite long. I've come to find that I can't stay in a room without the uncontrollable urge to shag you, didn't you know?"

"...go for it."

"But, it goes farther than that. I would dare not call it love, because it extends further than just that, it's more like unruly lust and disorganized compassion. Such as what I feel right now. Oh--"

Thud.

"Was that really necessary? The tackle?"

"No."

"Forgot about you and your tendencies, Hermione. Goodness, all of the pent up anger from sexual declination from our schooling has _really_ gotten to you?"

Glare.

"But, who am I to decline that kind of action?"

"Okay, that really hurt."

"Sorry."

"Good. Anyway, about that little declaration--"

"It felt nice though, right?"

"I guess. Yeah, it really did."

"Really _boosted_ the ego."

"Sure, whatever helps you sleep, Hermione."

"Although, I feel inclined to ask. With the _'go for it'_ if I had really...um--_'went for it'_ what would you have done?"

"I would have _let_ you, then run off to record the entry in my diary, and call up Blaise, and tell him how much I love you."

"_Right_, Draco. _Of course_."

"Really! Don't believe me? Let's go!"

"Gods, Malfoy! _Keep your shirt on!_"

"I can't help it, when the situation comes, I'm all for extracting clothing in the need to feel skin-on-skin."

"..."

"Are you _blushing_, Hermione?"

"Just for the record, Draco, I don't think I _really_ needed to know that much."

"But you know you secretly craved the knowledge."

"Oh yeah. I'm wetting my knickers in the _thoughts_ of feeling you up."

"Okay, Granger. I really didn't need to know that."

Slap.

"Into masochisms, isn't it, Granger?"

"_Shut up_."

"No. You know what, I was rather enjoying your little tirade of feelings, _until_ you ruined it."

"How?"

"By _not_ shagging me, of course. Leaving me so _blissfully unaware_--"

"Cut it _out_, Malfoy."

"Oh Granger, I love you too!"

"Holy Merlin, Malfoy! Don't you _dare_--"

"..."

"So..."

"Yeah, about that--"

"You really felt the need to snog me _that bad_, Malfoy?"

"Um...yeah."

"_Go for it_."

"..."

Splutter.

"Aha!"

"It was _sarcasm_!"

"Of course, Granger. Don't hide your feelings."

"Yeah. Although, I had the strange urge--"

"--to _shag me_, I know."

"Close..."

"..."

"Ah. I'm all right, now."

"Did you _really_ think you'd get away with that, Granger?"

"Um...yeah. It's even. You kissed me, I kissed you. Done."

"Actually...that was _twice_ in a row for me. I suggest you take Arithmancy over."

"So, that means--_ew_, Malfoy."

Smirk. "When you're ready."

"..."

"Okay, that was _so_ unfair. I wasn't ready."

"Who cares? You said, when I was ready." Grin.

"Hell, Hermione! When did you get so satirical?"

"Since the beginning of this conversation."

"You're right. Although, I don't agree with certain parts."

"You're right as well. And I do, on occasion, have an urge to snog you."

"..."

"That was not one of them, Malfoy. Now, it's all uneven."

"I say you like those odds, Granger."

"_..plft_."

"Stop sticking your tongue out at me, Hermione."

"_..plft_."

"Put that away, unless you plan on using it!"

Blush. "_..plft_."

Smack.

Muffle.

"What have you been eating, Hermione?"

"Chocolate, but I doubt that has to do with anything, Draco dear."

"..."

"Okay. I don't think that was necessary."

"What's that, five for Malfoy, two for Granger?"

"No, four. I _hardly_ count the second time, as you tryed unsuccessfully to devour my tongue in an obsessive need of chocolate. You can't count that as _a snog_!"

"Mmhmm."

"..."

Grin.

"Aha, three."

"Contest now?"

"..."

"That was mine."

"Nu-uh, Malfoy. I say it was a draw."

"Of course, you--"

"..."

"Damn it!"

"Aha, tied!"

"Grr..."

Dance.

"Okay, Granger. Get off the couch, for Merlin's sakes."

"Why, Malfoy? Wanna take this to the bed?"

"Didn't know you had it in you."

"Malfoy! _Put me down_!"

"Only when we reach destination, _Princess_."

"Sarcasm! Gods... Draco Lucius Malfoy, if you don't set me on the floor _this instant_, I'll--"

"Find another way for your not-so-sarcastic comments to land you in bed with the former Slytherin God?"

Seethe.

"Exactly."

"Hey! You don't have to toss me."

"Yes, I felt the _urge_ to."

"Well, don't let the breakable bones and various hard objects around stop you."

"It _didn't_ stop me, though."

"..."

"So...what hard objects were you talking of, Hermione?"

"Draco!"

"Just wondering! This is your room, by the way. There's nothing in here worth breaking a limb over. The chair is plush."

"But the desk--"

"Getting _kinky_, are we?"

"No, and Malfoy, if you so as much think--"

"..."

Shriek.

"Aha!"

"..."

"..."

"This is quite uncomfortable, Draco."

"Complaints, Hermione, complaints."

"..."

"Damn you."

"See, now I'm winning."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"How many was _that_ worth?"

"I don't know. _Let's_ try it again.."

"Still having _urges_, Hermione?"

"Shut up and kiss me, already."

"I don't know..."

"Malfoy."

"Is that _sarcasm_?"

"Draco."

"I don't want to offend you, again.

"Like the first thirty times?"

"Exactly my point. Sarcasm flows from your mouth."

"..."

"Well?"

"Fine, Don't kiss me. I'll be content snogging someone else."

"..."

"Okay, _thanks_."

"What?"

"I knew that was going to happen."

"Curse you, Granger."

"No, curse you, Malfoy. You and your attractive lips."

"Aha. You are obsessed."

"..." Pout.

"Any minute now..."

"Okay, fine. I am. Happy?"

"That was _sarcasm_."

"..."

"And...I _doubt_ that kiss was."

"It wasn't. I can't control myself."

"What can I say, I'm a _god_."

"..."

"Okay. Either, we're gonna snog or about forty minutes, Hermione, or not, because _this_ on-and-off kissing is torture--"

"..."

"Forty minutes it is."

"..."

"Stop. I was being sarcastic."

Frown.

"Speechless, Granger?"

"Yeah. I'm speechless because you're torturing me. You and your _damn_ twists on my sarcasm. Can't you just snog a girl senseless and leave it be at that?"

"..."

"Okay, that was _sarcasm_. But, I'll deal with it."

"Good. I wasn't planning on letting you go, either."

Sarcasm

Authoressa: Okay, review! This took up eight MS Word pages! Be happy! And yes, I'm working on Behind the Exterior... And Backwards Steps. I think I'll update that one more time, and then the day after I'll update Behind the Exterior. How's that sound?

♥ Ya,

¤-Elena Faye-¤


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